I see loyalty being fussed over on Fetlife. It’s something the vast majority of us look for in a partner or friend. It’s a trait that people see as good, yet I have seen it work against them. It stole years of my life and resulted in abuse.
Being able to honestly (and being honest is great) say that you are a loyal person, be that loyal to you partner, your friends, your family or your tutu wearing chihuahua, will get you in peoples good graces. No one really wants someone around for long that isn’t loyal.
My personal experience didn’t bring about the idea to write this but it’s a good example of how loyalty can screw us over. My ex was my first proper boyfriend. I was young and thought he would give me the world, mainly because he was the first person to show interest in me and I met him when I was going through the height of being bullied in school. He was abusive physically.
I felt guilt. Shame. It was my fault. It had to be.
But what pushed me to the edge multiple times was his emotional abuse. It started as soon as we were married when I was 18 but it became frequent when I was pregnant. I stayed with him through it. I stayed with him because I believed it was the right thing to do. Surrounded by disloyal people, I thought I knew what a good wife did.
I stayed with him after a year long bout of post natal psychosis because I thought I my strength came from him. He had helped me through it and everyone was telling me that an average man would have left. I believed huge, horrible lies which brought us to a country where I knew no one. He led me into isolation so that he could abuse me freely and trample me down into a doormat. And I remained because I was loyal. That loyalty left me blind and for so long I didn’t want to see reality.
When I allowed myself to see the truth I wasn’t prepared for what was to come. The names I was called aren’t worth repeating but the theme was strong. I was wrong. I was bad. I was disloyal.
A friend of mine, a male submissive, worries about looking disloyal. Yet he is the most loyal person I have met online thus far. He fights to stay with his wife when she tells him she will not – cannot – give him what he needs. He seems to struggle with the idea that his desires and interests are okay. He speaks of being willing to give up learning about himself, give up who he is, in order to stay by her side.
I wasn’t prepared to do this in the end. There is no single answer for everyone and, though it bothers me to see someone contemplate throwing away who they could be, it’s not my choice. The places we can go with submission are endless, but they are not for everyone.
The last time I spoke with my friend, he was giving himself a few days to decide whether he would walk away for a while. From researching submission, from FetLife, and thus from talking to me. Selfishly I hope he stays around but ultimately all I want is for him to be happy with who he is, whoever that may be.
Have you lost friends because of their loyalty? And when is loyalty a tad overrated?